Trauma & Navigating the Holidays

HOLIDAY MEMORIES

For many, the smell of a roasting turkey, mashed potatoes, pine needles, or hot chocolate elicits joyful holiday memories and wonderful experiences with family and friends. For others, those smells elicit a sense of sadness and even dread. The holiday season is a mixed bag of happiness or depression, depending on one’s past experiences throughout the holiday season. For some, their sadness comes with loneliness at not having anyone with which to share this glorious season. For others, the thought of time with family conjures up memories of fighting, trauma, mean or awkward relatives, poor communication, comparisons to other family members, passive-aggressive behaviors, unreasonable expectations, and exhaustion from the busyness of the season.

MEET LIZZIE

Lizzie slowly wakes up on the Saturday morning before Thanksgiving and feels a sense of sadness and dread wash over her. She is hit with the reminder that the holiday season is upon her and she braces herself for the lack of communication about different family events, as well as the constant comparisons to her cousins. According to her mother, her cousins are “SO successful,” with their high-powered jobs, expensive cars, and sprawling estates. She is waiting for the now infamous line of “Lizzie, why can’t you be more like your cousin, Anna?” Shortly following her mom’s nagging comes her father’s annual comment of “so glad I wasted all that money on your college education.” Lizzie feels insulted, demeaned, and downright unloved by her parents during the holiday season. She has a job she loves as a freelance writer, while she works on her novel, on the side. Lizzie isn’t rich, by any means, but she has a cozy condo that she loves, the sweetest puppy as her closest companion, pays her bills on time, and has a small savings account for emergencies. She is constantly confused as to why that’s not good enough for her parents. Lizzie wonders if she can skip the holidays this year.

Holiday Vacation

“Sometimes, the best gift you can give yourself is a break from tradition.”

~ John Grisham, Skipping Christmas

BOUNDARIES & NEW TRADITIONS

Lizzie decided that she has to make some changes this year or she will never be able to enjoy the holidays, again. She started by reaching out to friends and made plans for a “Friendsgiving” meal the day after Thanksgiving at a local restaurant to give herself something to look forward to after spending time with her parents. Lizzie also informed her parents that she will only be able to make it home for dessert and can only stay for one hour. They fussed at her, tried to shame her into staying longer, but finally accepted that she was not going to change her mind. Lizzie then booked a 7 day tropical vacation with a flight out the day after Christmas. She also made a list of fun and relaxing activities that SHE wants to do over the holiday season. Lastly, she reached out to a counselor, recognizing that it’s finally time to address the challenges of her family dysfunction and subsequent toxic romantic relationships.

A JOYFUL HOLIDAY SEASON

Lizzie began working with her new counselor, immediately, and outlined some boundaries to make her short time with her family more bearable. She started with a strategy to avoid her parents comparisons and negative comments about her life. Lizzie listed out several responses to her parents, including “Mom, please stop comparing me to my cousins. It hurts my feelings and, if it continues, I will no longer attend family holiday events.” To her dad she plans to say, “I may not have followed in your footsteps and become an accountant, but I use the skills I gained with my finance degree everyday to manage my freelance business and to make wise, financial choices. I did not waste your money and I am insulted that you say that every year.” Her parents were initially taken aback when she followed through with her retorts, but they realized that fighting back would cause a rift that may take their daughter from them, completely, during the holiday season. Lizzie felt empowered as she set boundaries, began engaging in the activities that she wanted to, and spending time with friends who made her feel loved and valued. She also had the most incredible time on her tropical vacation and relaxed for the first time in December in decades. Lizzie found herself feeling joy for the first time, as an adult, during the holiday season.

DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN LIZZIE?

ARE YOU READY TO WORK THROUGH FAMILY DYSFUNCTION, SET BOUNDARIES, AND HEAL?

Begin Adult Trauma Counseling in Columbus, Ohio.  You don’t have have to suffer any longer.