Trauma & Personal Agency
Do you like your life? No?
Well, it’s time to make some changes and you have the power to do that.
“You are free to choose what you want to make of your life. It’s called free agency or free will and it’s your birthright.”
~ Sean Covey
MEET PAUL
Paul is a 56 year old man who hates his life. He cannot hold down a job, has been in and out of unsuccessful romantic relationships, and hates his family. He blames his family for all of his problems and doesn’t take ownership for anything in his life. Paul is miserable to be around, as he only has negative things to say and is never happy. Any joy he experiences is short-lived, because he’s always waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop.” Paul is the quintessential example of someone who doesn’t believe in personal agency.
What exactly IS personal agency?
“Agency is the sense of control that you feel in your life, your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks and situations. Your sense of agency helps you to be psychologically stable, yet flexible in the face of conflict or change.”
~ Pattison Professional Counseling & Mediation Center
If you lack in the belief that you are a product of your own choices, then you will forever blame others and continue to make poor choices because you believe it doesn’t matter what you do. You are always doomed to fail because your family, your friends, your boss, and anyone else you come into contact with hold the keys to your success. If they fail you, you will fail. By lacking in belief about agency, you believe that you have no control over your life. You will be swept away by the winds of change, never feeling anchored to anything or anyone.
MEET TIMOTHY
Timothy is a 43 year old man who had an extremely difficult upbringing. His mom struggled to make ends meet after his dad left the family and she was often emotional neglectful because she works 2 jobs and was exhausted all of the time. Timothy went to public school, was often bullied, and struggled with his schoolwork because of undiagnosed learning disorders. He often felt stupid and had no aspirations to go to college. In spite of those challenges, his mom always encouraged him to do his best and to never give up. Timothy took that attitude into adulthood and promised himself that he wouldn’t let his background hold him back. He went to trade school to become an electrician and eventually took a few small business workshops at the local community college and started his own business. He worked long hours, but those hours paid off and he built a successful business that afforded him a comfortable lifestyle, with which he supported his wife and 3 children. Timothy was undeterred by his childhood and knew that his mom did the best she could and he eventually forgave his dad for leaving. He was never monetarily rich, but he was rich in love and joy.
WHAT IS DIFFERENT ABOUT TIMOTHY VS PAUL?
Timothy ascribes to 3 values that allowed him to be resilient, to practice personal agency, and to avoid the pitfalls that left Paul a miserable human being:
FORGIVENESS - First and foremost, Timothy practiced forgiveness. In forgiving his parents for their shortcomings, he didn’t fall prey to bitterness and resentment. He recognized that his mom had to work 2 jobs for their survival and that left little time for her to connect to Timothy in the ways he needed. Timothy forgave her and did his best to help her, rather than to blame her. It took longer to forgive his dad, but he learned that forgiveness was for himself, not his dad. By forgiving his dad, it freed him to pursue his own dreams and not get bogged down in anger.
GRATITUDE - Timothy also learned the power of gratitude. He didn’t take for granted his mom’s hard work that afforded them a safe apartment, food on the table, clothes, and a little left over for some occasional toys or a dinner out. Timothy was grateful for his health, his friends, his bike, and his ever-faithful dog. He learned to lean into his imagination and found himself lost in books and found joy in taking things apart and putting them back together. As he entered into adulthood, he was grateful for the opportunity to go to trade school, as he knew his educational limitations and loved working with his hands. Timothy was grateful to his wife and children and never took their love and support for granted. He regularly expressed his gratitude to his family, friends, and employees.
ACCOUNTABILITY - Lastly, Timothy developed a network of friends, family, and colleagues who helped to keep his attitude in check. If he found himself feeling discouraged and was tempted to feel sorry for himself, he would reach out to someone in his network who would help to get him back on track. Timothy also listened to their stories and their challenges and came to the conclusion that everyone has problems, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has the opportunity to make their own choices.
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN PAUL?
ARE YOU READY TO BREAK OUT OF BITTERNESS AND PRACTICE PERSONAL AGENCY?
Begin Adult Trauma Counseling in Columbus, Ohio. You don’t have have to suffer any longer.