Trauma: When It All Falls Apart
“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
ROCK BOTTOM: HALLIE’S STORY
Hallie awoke, groggy and hung over. She groaned as she remembered the night before: the breakup and the countless drinks & cigarettes to numb the pain of losing the man she loved. Hallie had been involved in a long-term affair and finally decided to end it, as she knew it was unhealthy and she deserved someone better and available. But knowing that it was right to end the relationship didn’t take away the intense emotional pain she felt. She had gone to a local bar and drank away her sorrows and now she’s paying for that choice. Hallie feels deeply depressed, anxious, and alone. She has no idea how she can move forward when feeling so empty. The sad thing is that this is not the first time she’s been involved in an affair. She can’t figure out what’s wrong with her and why she continues to choose unavailable men. Hallie doesn’t trust herself or her judgment and she feels like she’s hit rock bottom.
THE DEEPEST PAIN
As Hallie makes her way out of bed, she wonders what to do next. She feels completely defeated, unloved, and used. Hallie got all of the usual excuses from her now ex-lover: “I promise I’ll leave her….once the kids are older, once I get a better paying job…” She believed him for awhile, but after a few years passed, she realized that he had no intention of leaving and he enjoyed the proverbially experience of “have your cake and eat it, too.” Hallie realized that by staying, she was not acknowledging her own value and she was allowing herself to be used and she was going against her own morals and principles. She cannot imagine ever feeling okay, again, and all she wants to do is sleep or drink and smoke to keep the pain tamped down. Hallie misses him with all her heart, despite knowing she did the right thing. She is tempted to call him and call off the breakup, but she knows she can’t and now feels frozen in her grief.
“I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?”
~ Ernest Hemingway
DIGGING OUT OF THE PIT: 5 STEPS
Part of starting over involves incredibly basic steps to move forward. Hallie feels frozen in her pain and needs a place to start that doesn’t feel overwhelming.
MAKE YOUR BED: This is going to seem like the most elementary, and perhaps, the most ridiculous suggestion. However, making your bed is an accomplishment. It is one step toward a more structured and organized life. The order of a made bed can reduce stress and increases motivation to be productive. It will also help you resist the temptation to crawl back under the covers and sleep the day away.
DRINK A GLASS OF WATER: Stress, crying, and drinking alcohol can all lead to dehydration and our body and minds don’t work as well when not properly hydrated. Get a glass of ice water, sit down, and sip it until it’s gone. The water will help to rehydrate your system and the ice can aid in calming your nervous system. Cold water activates the Vagus Nerve, which is part of the parasympathetic nervous system, or the “rest and digest” mode.
TAKE A WALK: Get out the door & get moving after you’ve had your glass of water. The fresh air and the bilateral movements of walking will aid in activating both sides of the brain, which will help you better process your thoughts and feelings. It will assist you in getting out of your emotional brain and getting that logical brain online. Breathe in deeply as you walk to gain the full benefits of walking and being outside. Attempt to walk for 15-30 minutes and go as fast as you are comfortably able.
TAKE A SHOWER: Once again, nothing revolutionary here, but the benefits of water are astounding. Water can signify the washing away of something metaphorically dirty and you can start to feel clean and fresh. It can symbolize a new start and the beginning of something beautiful. For an added bonus, try standing under cold water for 30 seconds, which will give you a nice jolt and will activate that Vagus Nerve, again. Luxuriate for as long as you need and allow the cascade of water to do its thing!
SEE A COUNSELOR: To unravel the pattern of affairs and to understand the reasons behind those behaviors, reach out to a qualified counselor. Often, the attraction of infidelity is about having an avoidant attachment style and the fear of vulnerability that comes from a relationship with an available partner. Through EMDR, ego state therapy, and mindfulness, you can begin to better understand why you do what you do, become more present & grounded, develop adaptive thought patterns, and heal old wounds that led to the unwanted behaviors.
When all else fails, go back to basics. It’s amazing how a few steps can provide you with the foundation you need to move ahead. In our busy, modern, western world, we often forget about the basics of self-care and a couple of simple, coping strategies. Slowing down and taking care of ourselves is always a good thing.
DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN HALLIE?
ARE YOU READY TO CLIMB OUT OF THAT PIT?
Begin Adult Trauma Counseling in Columbus, Ohio. You don’t have have to suffer any longer.